Gratitude for Grief: From 'Grief-Denying' To 'Grief-Embracing'

I am a true novice when it comes to grief.

My son got married at the end of April and it came with all the expected emotions: anticipation, excitement, happiness, joy and love. However, the emotion of sadness and deep heart ache after all the weekend’s events ended caught me by surprise. My son is 36, and eighteen years ago when he left for college, I felt so much excitement and joy for him and what he was about to embark on. It felt like it was the natural transition. It was right for him, and for me. We were in the middle of the teen years and the aliens that had taken my sweet young boy, had not quite given him back to me in any semblance of that previous iteration of him. I remember feeling sad, and realizing that my grocery list would change, but overall, I felt happy for him, and my two daughters were still in the home, lots of mothering left to do.

So where is all the sadness coming from? He has been out of the home for 18 years; he has become a successful, contributing member of society and possesses many positive attributes. I adore his new wife and am thankful that he chose her to tend his heart. They have been living together in a town just one and a half hours away, we see them frequently. Nothing to be sad about here, and yet the tears began as soon as he and his wife left our house to return home after the wedding. Yes, I had hoped that they would stay one day longer to decompress all of the activities of the weekend, and yes, there was the letdown of having been so busy planning and all of a sudden it was over. These tears felt different though and my heart was the location of all the pain. I was experiencing true heart ache and it was not comfortable!

I felt as though I was losing my mind, there was so much emotion flowing through me. I felt overwhelmed by EVERYTHING. My head was busy with thoughts, If I hadn’t invited people to the house, would he have stayed the extra night? Did I love him well enough? Did I truly make good use of the time I had with him the week before the wedding? Does he know how much I love him? How could I have been a better mother? …and on and on. I couldn’t get my bearings and I couldn’t get out of my head. I simply found myself moving through so much sadness for the days following the wedding. I didn’t avoid it and I consciously thought to myself, this is to be experienced and processed and yet it pulled me down over and over again, and I felt adrift. If what I was experiencing was grief then why at my age had I not felt it to this extent before? I work daily in the realm of end-of-life. I am comfortable with the topics of death, loss and grief, why now and why not before?

I admit, I don’t remember seeing outward expressions of healthy sadness within our home when I was growing up. I remember seeing my mother cry only once in my time with her, and that was because she was not feeling well. I don’t remember seeing her cry when her mother died or when her sister died. My father cried when my mother died, but only briefly, otherwise he was very stoic. So, I now accept that as a child, grief was not modeled well for me. My mother died 26 years ago. I thought I had “handled” her death well. I then trained as an end-of-life doula, and experienced my first grief circle. I came to realize grief had many expressions. Then my father died in 2021 and though I had gleaned great insight and experience, I again “handled” it well. You can see where I am going with this….right? I didn’t like the way grief felt in me, it hurt, it was not to be shared, it was bedfellows with shame, guilt and regret. I was a grief denier!

And here I was, actually experiencing grief! It had been 18 years since my son left for college, I am 18 years older. That time passed so quickly; Will I even be around in another 18 years? If he has children, will I know them? How many more celebrations will I be a part of? Did I fully appreciate all the time I had with my children etc. etc., etc.? Yes, there it was, my immortality, my death staring me in the face, shadows and all. I journaled, reflected, talked with friends.   With the gift of time, I began to move away from the agony of the grief and allowed the knowing of grief to settle into the nooks and crannies of my being. I accepted the tears, leaned into my sadness and found myself pondering this new personal process that had taken me by surprise.

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

-Kahlil Gibran

My learning from this one small lived experience is that unknowingly denying grief for so many years has denied me of grief’s transformative nature. I am not the same person I was prior to my son’s marriage. I am more curious about grief and am choosing to befriend it and carry the knowing of it in me. Moving forward I will attempt to greet grief with open arms in anticipation of what new lesson I might incur. I feel sure grief is important to my growth.

Some lingering questions of mine:

• Was what I experienced true grief?
• Does repetitive exposure to loss and the experience of the resulting grief lessen the more you have the experience? Are people that have lost much more than me, better adept at the experience of grief?
• Does the hurt of loss feel the same each time, is it greater, is it less, or does it fluctuate depending on the loss?
• Do we experience grief the same, you and me?
• What keeps you from being consumed by grief?

I would love to hear your thoughts... reach out to me, wenda@consciousdyingcollective.com.

Resources:

The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Frances Weller

Bittersweet by Susan Cain