“His heart is mush…He’s going to pass.”
Those words will forever be seared into my mind. Words that flashed onto the screen of my work computer as I received play-by-play updates from my mother about my big brother Robert’s surgery.
The all too familiar moment of panic upon hearing this type of news set in. What do I do?
What. Do. I. Do?
I sobbed at my desk, visibly shaken and unable to think about next steps. Some coworkers came to the rescue. One offered to drive my car home while the other took me in hers. As we neared the parking lot, my mom called. I answered and heard nothing.
“Mom? Mom? Are you there? MOM?!”
My phone had bluetoothed to my vehicle while my hapless and helpless colleague sat inside listening to my mama's wails.
It was a Thursday in Denver and I was supposed to have a biology midterm that afternoon. My 70+ year old mom had caught a Greyhound bus down to Oklahoma, adamant that she would not pack anything black. It was the fourth time she’d wring her hands while her second-born son underwent open heart surgery. First when he was 7, then again at ages 11, and 13. Now, he was 51, and the risk of his valve replacement was high.
A week prior, mom and I had gone to see a Pink Floyd cover band play at Red Rocks and I debated having the conversation. The conversation about what we would do if he died. It was supposed to be a celebratory night. A fun night. But, I knew. I knew I should at least mention it, and that I might as well get it out of the way as soon as possible.
As we drove through the rolling hills, and with my sunglasses hiding the tears that welled, I spoke.
“Mom, if Robert dies, please let me come to you. Don’t let the hospital rush you into calling a funeral home.”
Continue reading Tawnya's story on her blog HERE.
If you’d like to learn more from Tawnya about community deathcare she has an upcoming home funerals enrichment course in collaboration with the Conscious Dying Collective called The Art of What's Possible: Exploring Home Funerals.
Tawnya designed the art for the course, with a nod to Robert via the heart.