Hello again dear readers. I know that my last blog was nearly a month ago now and I had
stated that I would post about Dia de los Muertos and Samhain (aka: Halloween), however – as I
was preparing to write those, I received some terrible personal news. It’s taken me this long to
process, and I’ve been away for a little while helping a dear friend.

As doulas, we hold space for others and their families and most of the time it’s for people we
don’t know when they first come to us for support. While our skills can be useful for those close
to us, it seems that more often than not, our abilities are used for those unknown to us. We may
become close to a client and their family over the course of our time with them and it may affect
us emotionally when that person crosses the veil between worlds – but, it’s very different (at
least, it has been for me) when it is someone near and dear to your heart.

One of my best and dearest friends, we’ll call her Lynn to protect her privacy, has been
diagnosed with terminal cancer of the brain, pelvis and long bones of her legs. This cancer
metastasized from a 2mm cancerous tumor in her breast and has been extremely aggressive. She
was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and has spent the year going through chemotherapy,
surgery and radiation. A lumpectomy with lymph node removal was done and everything looked
clear as of June of this year.

She is a violin and viola teacher for children and adolescents that are just beginning to learn
how to play. In August of this year, just before school started, her doctor just wanted to make
sure that she was still cancer free. Unfortunately, her PET Scan came back with 4 cancerous
brain lesions, extensive lymph node spread through the pelvis and pelvic bones as well as into
both femurs, tibias and fibulas. She was unable to return to her job and had to take early
retirement at the age of 46.

She waited until late October/early November before she told anyone outside of her
immediate family. The doctors have given her about 6 to 8 months to live. They did however
refer her to The Dana Farber Institute, and she is receiving a chemotherapy that has only just
come out of clinical trials in the last 3 months. She is one of about 20 people who are getting this
chemotherapy in the entire country. Luckily, it is preventing further spread of cancer, but she is
living day to day and on borrowed time. There is nothing that can be done for her – she and her
husband and daughter are, unfortunately, keenly aware that any day could be her last.

______________________


Let me now, give some context on my relationship with Lynn. We first met in 1995 and
became friends very quickly. I was completely enchanted by her skills with a violin. By
September 1997 we began dating and in October of that year we had a Hand Fastening. Our
marriage was not legal in the sense that our ceremony was not presided over by an ordained
minister, and we never got a marriage license, but, for all intents and purposes, we considered
each other husband and wife. We made a pact in the beginning that should we end up not staying
together, we would always stay friends. As that was how our relationship began.

We were together through her 4 years of music school – she graduated with a Bachelor of
Arts in Music Performance. Then in May of 2002, our relationship ended and we performed
what is called a Hand Parting, essentially releasing one another from the bonds of marriage. She
went on to achieve a Masters Degree in Music Performance and Education and played 2 nd Chair
Violin for an extremely well-known and prestigious orchestra, before settling into a teaching
capacity. She continued to play ‘gigs’ on the side at weddings and events and was in a rock band,
as a fiddler, for about 8 years.

We kept our promise to remain friends, even hanging out over her Summer break before
graduate school. Whenever she came home for break, we always got together, hung out, had
some drinks, watched movies together and became very good friends. Despite our break-up,
there is a part of my heart that will always belong to Lynn. We are both now married and very
happy with our significant others and my oldest son and her daughter are the same age, and they
are good friends and hang out in online game chat rooms pretty regularly.

When Lynn told me about her diagnosis – I cried for several days. We’ve known one another
for 30 years; we grew up together and spent intimate time together and formed an unbreakable
bond of friendship. The thought of not having her in my life in any capacity feels like a sharp
knife to my heart. So, mostly in the capacity of one of her best friends (and in less capacity the
doula in me), I took some time to go visit her – meet her husband and check in on her daughter.
So, that’s why my blogs for October didn’t get written. It took me about a week and a half of
planning, securing a car rental, making sure that she and her family had the time for me to visit
and then make the 12-hour journey. My son came with me so that he and Lynn’s daughter could
hang out while I was helping Lynn and her husband with driving around town, doing groceries,
taking Lynn to chemotherapy and spending some quality time with the two of them.

Her husband is an absolutely wonderful man; I am so happy that Lynn met him. He is so good
to her and is a fierce advocate for her and is so madly in love with her – everything she deserves
in a partnership. They remind me very much of me and my wife in their happiness, their honesty
with one another and their immense love.

I did bring a copy of The North Star Guide, both scales for Dementia Advance Directives and
a copy of her state’s Advance Directive. I put it in a bound binder that has a large treble clef on
the cover. I didn’t spend a lot of time going over the contents of the binder. But, gave a very
general overview of what the North Star Guide is and that if things take a turn for the worse, she
would do well to get that guide and her AD filled out as soon as possible – especially if she felt
like she was slipping cognitively. I also told her to contact me if they needed any guidance with
filling out any part of the guide or the AD.

During my visit, we spent most of our time catching up on life events and for the first time,
we reminisced about our time together from 1997 to 2002; it seems like another lifetime. But, we
remembered the good times we had together and even her husband enjoyed hearing about some
of the crazy times we had back then. We’ve never held any grudges against each other for any of
the not-so-great times and honestly, neither of us really specifically remember any of those times.
Proof that even a failed relationship can yield good memories decades later, that the good times
had were what was most important to us.

I got home about a week ago and have had some trouble getting back into the swing of things.
Partly from the long travel and partly from the heavy feelings I have that this may be the last
time that I ever see Lynn alive again. We’re keeping in touch via text, and she has reassured me
that when the inevitable happens, her husband will let me know. But, even as I write this, I feel
the tears welling up in my eyes. I’ve lost family; grandparents, aunts, uncles and I’ve lost friends
to suicide, accidental death and leukemia. And I’ve grieved and cried for all of them. But,
something about this time feels different. And as much as I want to be there as the doula, I am
not entirely sure that I can separate my doula role from my role as a best friend and former lover.
Maybe that’s why this seems to hurt more, somewhere in time, in another reality, we might
never have parted and in that life, I would be losing my wife. Part of me also thinks about my
actual wife; M; who has also gone through breast cancer, chemo, surgery and radiation and thank
Goddess has been cancer free for almost 5 years – though is still on oral chemotherapy drugs for
another year. And I can’t help but think that this could have been her story as well. Ugh – human
brains are so messy! Sometimes I wish I could just not ‘think thoughts’ for a couple of hours.

For now, I still have my friend; Lynn is still here, and I can still talk with her, and I will never
take that for granted. And, when the time comes to say goodbye, I will do so knowing that she is
a wonderful human being, an undeniably and insanely amazing violinist whose music has
inspired thousands of people and that she passionately passed that talent on to countless new
generations through her unswerving ability to teach. I will also know that listening to her
performances that I still have on CD will leave a lasting impression on my life forever and that
she will never truly be gone, because music is forever and as long as there is a violin or viola
being played somewhere – Lynn’s spirit will inspire as a muse from the beyond. Love you
girlfriend – BFF’s!