I've been sitting with the weight of Andrea Gibson's passing for five days now. Andrea, Poet Laureate of Colorado, world touring spoken word artist, and a force unlike any other, cracked something open in me when I saw them perform in Denver years ago. Their presence, their poetry, the clarity and courage in their voice, stayed with me long after the show ended. And now, in their death, that voice echoes louder still.
Andrea Gibson
If you've spent any time on social media or news platforms this week, you've probably read their words, words that have moved like wildfire through a collective field of mourning and love. If you haven't, here are a few that have brought me to my knees:
"In the end, I want my heart to be covered in stretch marks."
"Whenever I leave this world, whether it's sixty years from now, I wouldn't want anyone to say I lost some battle. I'll be a winner that day."
And one of the last things they said before dying: "I fucking loved my life."
As someone else wrote, "What a perfect last line in the poetry of their life" and yes, it truly is.
I've been sitting with these words and turning them over in my own heart, which already carries the "stretch marks" of many years of grief, change, and what feels like profoundly endless reinvention. They ring as a kind of koan, those paradoxical riddles in Zen Buddhism that can't be solved, only lived into. And so, I ask myself:
Will I feel like a winner on the day that I die?
How will I live on in those that I love and love me?
How do I need to live now so that I can say on my death bed, with full conviction: "I fucking loved my life."
And, although I don't know the answers yet, I am now more deeply committed to contemplating them as I journey into myself, my heart, my life and these profound questions.
As I sit writing this, I've tried to find words of my own, something to express what's stirring in me, but I keep coming up empty. And so this sense of being at a loss, has become a meditation for me this week. What is loss? Why, when someone dies, do we say, "I'm sorry for your loss"? For is anyone ever truly lost? And what space do we occupy when we're adrift inside our own minds and hearts?
I know that I've never liked saying those words to someone as they've always felt inadequate, even untrue. Which is why Andrea's words from a poem they wrote before their death, ring truer for what's inside of me:
"Dying is the opposite of leaving. When I left my body, I did not go away. That portal of light was not a portal to elsewhere, but a portal to here. I am more here than I ever was before. I am more with you than I ever could have imagined. "
"Why did no one tell us that to die is to be reincarnated in those we love while they are still alive? One day you will understand.
Maybe that day of understanding isn't in the future. Maybe it starts here and now in this place of not knowing… maybe we live our way into it.
I don't have any big revelations yet, but Andrea gave me a gift this week... a beautiful, soul stirring gift. I know that I want to live so fully, so openheartedly, that when the time comes, I too will feel like I "juiced the sun for every holy drop."
Please know that every "quote" I've shared above belongs to Andrea, not me. I'm simply one of the many people holding their words like a candle in honor of their life, praying for peace for those closest to them, and for all of us walking this mysterious, sacred road toward our own final breath.
May we live each day with hearts willing to break, to continually stretch and then close only to open again and again and again...
Today, I bow at the altar of my own broken heart and say thank you.
With love,
Julie Freed
Julie is a sacred passage end of life doula, grief companion, dream tender, family constellation facilitator and yoga teacher. She also co-leads the CDC's Grief Vigil's monthly along with Woods Winfree and loves all ways she is part of the Conscious Dying Collective. You can find more about her offerings at Coming Home, tending dreams, life & death: www.juliebfreed.com
Our team will be taking a much-needed break in December to embrace "wintering," stillness, and the healing darkness. Like the trees, we are turning inward—trusting the quiet, tending the roots, and letting rest do its sacred work. We'll return in the new year with renewed energy and deeper offerings to share.
Community Spotlight
Born and raised in Portland, Oregon, Meagan Williams is a death doula and educator whose journey into end-of-life care followed more than a decade as a public school teacher, special educator, and instructional coach - not to mention her time as a sketch comedian. Since 2019, Meagan has supported individuals and communities through the sacred threshold of dying, offering compassionate doula care and accessible education. In 2021, she joined the staff of Compassion & Choices, where she now serves as Manager of Clinical Education. In this role, she collaborates with healthcare professionals, doulas, and organizations across the country to provide tools, training, and meaningful dialogue around end-of-life issues.
Meagan's work is rooted in the belief that everyone deserves agency, dignity, and support as they approach death. Compassion & Choices, the nation's oldest and largest nonprofit focused on end-of-life issues, offers a wealth of resources, including the Finish Strong Tools, to help people navigate this journey with clarity. To gain insight into their powerful work and the stories they amplify, we invite you to watch this moving video featuring end-of-life doula and advocate Deltra James. When not working to transform end-of-life care, Meagan enjoys crocheting, reading, powerlifting, and brewing mead with her partner and 21 year old child in Portland.
Introducing the
Death Tracks Playlist For the past year, we've been sharing songs that invite reflection on mortality, grief, and the full circle of life - what we've lovingly called "Death Tracks." Now, for the first time, we've gathered them all in one place. This ever evolving Spotify playlist is a contemplative companion for quiet moments, sacred rituals, or simply feeling the beauty and mystery of being alive. 🎧 Listen to Death Tracks on Spotify